Welcome McTeam Member! You are now apart of the biggest family in the world, The McDonald’s family… That’s right chief; you’re a proud new employee of the McDonalds corporation! This guide should serve as quick reference on policies and attitudes towards our semi-valued customers.

Basic Attitude

Be rude to the customer -There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule. If this attitude is not practiced the customer could become confused and leave. Think of it this way, if you were to be nice to the customer, which he won’t be used to, he might get suspicious and think some kind of robbery is taking place and totally freak out. Also, he may become so scared, of you polite and respectful attitude, he might leave with our God-damned money. If you’re an African American employee be extra rude to the white customers–they all are racists.

Move as slow as humanly possible - without having to think too hard about it. At McDonald’s, employees work hard at being slow… although most don’t have to work at it, it is something we pride ourselves on.

Every time you take an order pretend it’s like the first time you’ve used a cash register - This rule is important, not for the customers, but for the McTeam. Most McDonald’s employees after a couple of years still do not understand the cash register, because it uses “technology.” It would be rude for you as a new employee, to show up an old employees by showing off your vast and superior knowledge of this phenomenon known as “the cash register.”

Read the customers mind – Most McDonald’s customers are mentally retarded, so when they say, “Can I get a Fish of Filet…” it usually means they want a Quarter-pounder… or the closest button next to your finger. So be a first-class McTeam Member and give them what you think they want.

Roll your eyes and sigh when the customer asks for sweet and sour sauce, and secretly flip them off under the counter - This is important. Since most employees don’t realize that for every free sweet and sour sauce an employee gives out, God kills a potential reality TV star.

Employee Advanced Techniques

So you’re settling in nicely? Great! If you’ve been here over two weeks, you are probably an assistant manager. If not, you are probably one of our “special needs” employees, but don’t feel left out champ, McDonalds does not discriminate against retards, homosexuals, or colored people. Once you’ve got the basics down, try practicing some of the more advanced techniques used to be the superior McDonald’s employee. These “advanced techniques” are different for every employee, and you must hone your skills to suit your personality. Below are some good examples of advanced techniques:

Walk around (dragging your feet) and push random buttons on the food machines - This throws the customer off, so they have no excuse to yell at you for moving too slow or for being stupid. In the event that a customer catches onto what you’re doing, just leer at them, long and hard.

Give them the incorrect order in the drive-thru - You wouldn’t want the customer to get spoiled would you? This is another way to get the customer to walk in the restaurant, just like the rest of the “non-lazy patrons.” You can also leave the lid to there super-size drink slightly ajar (half-way on), so when they grab their drink it spills all over there lap.

If the customer is overweight, assume they want everything Super Sized – The McDonalds corporation does not discriminate, we hate fat people just like everyone else, but we still want their money. Besides, the fat customer appreciates you taking notice of their enormous appetites so they don’t have to waste their precious energy on talking.

When the customer comes up to the cash register to order just stare at them - This is one of my favorites… this is just to show the customer, you are in control of the situation.

Never count back change, just hand it to them and say, “HERE!” - Don’t be fooled, customers do not like you to count change back, it’s a waist of their time, and they might think you are smarter than they are.

If you are an attractive person, work in the back - Only the hideous employees are to be seen.

Smile when you hand the customer their food - This makes the customer very nervous; being that it is unusual for a McDonald’s employee to smile. They usually think that you’ve done something to their food.

When you drop/throw food on the floor, pick it up and use it - Don’t be wasteful, there are starving children in India and Arkansas.

Park your Hyundai or you 82 Accord with the Type-R sticker in the front parking spots - Customers need the exercise, considering the crap they are about to consume.

The McDonald’s corporation is always changing so these rules may also change, look for a revised addition next year. Just remember our internal slogan. “Some days we don’t let the line move at all… we call those weekdays.”