» A Guide to Being in Shitty Poser Band

Admit it; most of us have dreamt about being famous or being in a rock band. Those dreams are usually crushed when we accidentally get someone pregnant and are forced to feed and diaper the little fucking ~~accident~~ blessing. We are forced into reality, riding the guilt trip of our lives, we are no longer allowed to:

Get fucking wasted everyday.

Quit our jobs because the party of the summer conflicts with our work schedule.

Do drugs.

Have sex with random people/random animals.

Vandalize things.

Spend all our money on beer and weed.

Or kill random homeless people.

None of it. Reality is a hell of a drug… Adulthood, freedom, responsibility, and The White Stripes aren’t what they are all cracked up to be. What I am getting at here is being an adult sucks; dreams are ruined and aspirations are crushed under the rule of the real world.

This guide is not for adults who have made the mistake of letting their dreams, desires and wants turn into career goals or dependence on welfare. No, this is guide for the young male who hasn’t ruined his life and who wants to start a shitty poser band that could become extremely rich and famous.

If you want to be a real musician, please stop reading now. This guide is all about making money and being famous, not about being a legitimate artist.

You may be thinking, I don’t have any musical talent. How could I start a band? That doesn’t matter; you don’t have to be talented to be a musician. Ever heard of Britney Spears? She has nice breasts. Anyway, here are some pointers on how to start a band.

The Look:

Bone thin - Skinny - Fat people aren’t lead singers, and the off chance that a fatty is in a band, they are almost always the bass player. Being skinny is essential to your image; smoke, drink, diet pills, binge, and purge, whatever; remember this is your image we are talking about.

Hair - Two words; ladies haircut.

Wear girls pants - The pants must be extremely tight, so that a disgusting impression of you penis can be seen through your pants. How else are you going to be considered “hardcore?” People will say, “He’s so hardcore he wears girl pants.”

Makeup - This is a must, whether you are going with subtle yet cool, smeared black eyeliner, or the totally whored out, full makeup-face-fag look, no one will take you seriously without any makeup. People will say, “He looks like a total fag, but he’s not ‘cause he is in a band. He is so hardcore, and look at those pants!”

Shoes - Musicians and Europeans wear some weird fucking shoes. The stranger the better, how else are people going to tell the difference between you and the average teenager? You will hear, “Is he wearing jellies, like from the 80s? He is so hardcore, and look at his pants/makeup. So Hardcore.”

Tattoos - Have tons of them. Period.

Shirt - Most bands like to wear shirts from other bands, or from their own label. You can choose one of these choices or do something “different” and wear a shirt that says: So Hardcore!

Attitude:

Hate your Dad - This is a must, how else are you going to write a whiny ass song about your Dad telling you that you would never be anything, titling it aptly, “Look at me now Dad,” “I Am the Son You Always Hated,” or “Dad Your Stupid and I Hate You.”

Love your Mom - How else are you going to be able to conjure up a totally shitty ballad about your mom working three jobs to feed you and your siblings. Even if she has never had cancer, sing about when she “did” have cancer. Record Sales!

Be a manimal on stage, and totally cool offstage - If you are in a band, when you are off the stage you must be totally introverted and shy, and talk very little. You are a man of few words, and you speak with your actions. When onstage, scream and kick things and spit on the audience. People will be like, “Oh he just spit at me, he is so hardcore, and would you look at his pants/makeup/shoes/hair, so, so hardcore.”

Cut yourself - You are going to be in a band, don’t cut yourself to feel (that is so cliché). Cut yourself ’cause you’re so… so… so… hardcore.

Band mates:

Drummer - Crazy and insane. IQ, not important. He will be banging on things, not rocket science here. Oh, and he can never wear a shirt. It is federal law that no drummer is allowed to wear a shirt. Ever.

Bass Player - The easiest way to find a bass player is ask any black person, all black people know how to play bass.

Lead Guitar - This is usually your best friend, who just wants to be in a band to get some pussy, but be careful they will often break up with the band and try to start their own shitty poser band. Not a requirement, but usually they are really ugly, so they don’t take away from the attention of you–the lead singer.

Band Name:

Band names never make sense, and the word The in band names is so hot right now. Pick random cool sounding words and throw them together like these hardcore choices: “The Blood Concession Stand,” “A Wounded Wound for Every Corpse,” “The Cold Heart’s Regression,” “Sewing the Reapers Leisure Suit,” “Culture Club,” or “Satan is My Motor.”

Song Writing:

Whine - Any rock star will tell you that they never got anywhere by singing about babies’ smiles and unicorns. You have to complain about ever facet of your life to be a successful band.

Screaming - This is a newer ploy musicians use to sell records, a band is considered “more hardcore” if they have screaming in their songs. It is a balance though, too little screaming and you’re Incubus/Staind and you’re on a bus ride to suck town. To much screaming and you are in death metal territory. No one except for serial killers, and middle aged men with low IQs that are still watching pro wrestling listen to death metal.

Satan/Jebus - Good rock bands know how to confuse a listener. One song scream about Satan, George Bush and all things evil. Then turn around and on your albums supper sappy ballad, talk about your mother’s bout with cancer and her going to live with the Jebus and the Angels.

Songs on Your Record:

Intro Song - Two choices: Weirdo Organ music that takes for ever to start, and eventually goes into the next track of hard rocking guitars. Or, choice two; evil man’s voice spewing crap about the end times, “…and so it was that the skies parted and opened into the abyss of the soulless man’s heart, blah, blah, blah…” This monologue eventually goes into the next track of hard rocking guitars.

Track 02 - Start the song really hard, and after about thirty seconds turn into a slow song. Never return it to its promising beginning, believe us, this sells, and every shitty poser bands albums contain this.

Track 03 - The First Single. The first single is always track 3, 5, or 7, If your CD’s first single is track 8 or something, your totally fucked, and your album is doomed to fail. The single is the radio friendly pop song that gets the teenagers to buy your CD. It needs to have a super catchy chorus that has something about getting weak in the knees when some girl/teacher/love interest walks by, but you are too much of a nerd to ask her out, so you just sit there singing your pain away.

Track 04 - Filler track. Total shit track (see Staind’s entire last album for examples).

Track 05 - Possible second single. Usually a mushy ballad about your girlfriend having sex with one of your best friends. Or the “The Day My Mom Told Me [that she has cancer]” song.

Track 06 - No music, fill with funny prank call or the band just hanging around getting high and cussing at each other.

Track 07 - Prerequisite liberal track, complaining about the war, and how evil the President is and how out-of-touch America is with the rest of the world. Complain about how imperialistic and capitalistic we as a country are, completely ignoring the fact that you and your band are the finest examples of what every shitty third world country hates about American life.

Track 08 - Filler track. Total shit track (See Finger 11’s entire last album for examples).

Track 09 - The famous “I Hate You Dad” track. Without this track, you’re album will fail. Period.

Track 10 - Acoustic track. Every good poser band has an acoustic track (See the Dave Mathew’s Band’s entire shitty career for examples).

Track 11 - Filler track. Total shit track (See 311’s entire last album for examples).

Track 12 - Cover song. Your shitty band needs to cover some obscure or extremely popular song from the 80s. The gayer the song the better. Imagine how hardcore your band could be if you turn Wham’s, “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” into a hard rock song. You would be, “like, so hardcore.”

Track 13 - The ending track. Who gives a shit about this track, no one listens to it, so make what you want of it.

Cliché? Yes, but if your poser band follows this basic guide you should be rollin’ in the green and mollywoppin’ the groupies in no time. Have fun, and remember to be… Hardcore… so hardcore.

20 Comments so far

lol what the fuck that is so strange

Something important

BAH.

i defently agree with you all a band is these days is looks fuck if you whant to be a model get a agent and dont make us have to listen to you bullshit on every radio station

yeah that was waaay fucking longi didnt even read all of it. it was funny at soem points but yeah way to long

OMFG that was the funniest thing I’ve read all day.
Most of the bands I listen to have all of those characteristics.
I’m a sucker for lip rings.

Hahaha I fucking love it!

For the chick with lip rings,
those are gay too. Wait, I mean soo hard core.

I couldn’t read all that but yeah the bit about daft organs at the beginning
Sounds sooo much like P!ATD

LOL!

xxxxo.

the sad thing about this is that its totally true.

x.x.ximnotyourstarx.x.x

Again, you are a god. Keep writing your opinions….they are great.

Randy Sizemore

I really do like this place.

i bow down before your wise observations, you rule!

Dude, that was fucking hilarious.
So hardcore.

Wow… written last year, but oh-so-good. I shall check out your blog more often.

funniest thing ive read in awile.

haha.
that’s hardXcore.
yo.

dude, you don’t know what you’re talking about. those kids have nothing to do with hardcore. stop watching Fuse and read a book

Sexcellent.

You have once again hit the nail RIGHT on the head… I know more dudes like this then I can shake a stick at.

I am staying up waaaay past my bedtime ;-D

-S-

this is prolly the most hillarious thing ive read all day… eh i take that back. the “hard core dancers” opinion page was pretty funny too. being in a band and being a real musician i know this this is all too true. all you need to be a poser band is something really marketable. Good Charlotte had the whole twin thing working for them and we all know their music was the shittiest creation ever. All American Rejects… well those guys all look like models so yeah.
typical three chord, repetitive songs and good looking dudes make for perfect poser bands.

ok so it was hilarious up to the whole “see 311’s last album” part. unles your talking about the album dont tread on me. Not horrible persay but definatly not hte best. other than the 311 dissing

loved it

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A Guide to Being in Shitty Poser Band

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