Welcome to Starbucks! We hope you enjoy working with your fellow partners while representing the world’s finest conveyor of coffee. Customers are number one to us here at Starbucks, and we know this training manual will help you learn the art of ignoring your customer but also make them feel that in some way they got great, Legendary Service.

First, let’s outline a typical situation where the customer may start to feel needy:

Lisa Latte a fellow employee just told you about a super-cool party she went to the other night while she is trying to make a drink for a waiting customer. Engrossed in her story, you hardly notice her put the wrong amounts of syrup in the cup, press the decaf espresso button, and add old milk to the drink, topping it off with some warm whip cream. She continues to talk as you comment here and there, noticing out of the corner of your eye a customer starting to prowl up to the register. You move out of the way and start doodling on a cup, making it seem like you are too busy to help the customer. After a good 5 minutes of talking, you notice the customer is not going to leave the register. What do you do?

First, let’s reflect on the situation. Obviously the customer is not going to leave. But how do you go about helping him/her without offending Lisa Latte? The story is too juicy to leave, but your “customer” doesn’t look like they’re budging anytime soon. This is where the word “work” comes into play. It’s not all shits and giggles here at Starbucks, we have the unfortunate aspect of working in what some call “Customer Service”. So at this point, we must make a decision.

Do We:

A) Apologize to Lisa Latte and help the customer

B) Go to the back of the room and call someone else to help them out

C) Roll your eyes, stroll up to the register with marker in hand and start pulling a Venti iced cup in your prediction of what the customer might order.

The correct response is “C”. At Starbucks, we want our customers to feel like they are being serviced, but not because we want to. It is imperative to make them feel like they have interrupted us and are inconveniencing us by coming up to the register. If they are stupid enough to take our crap this far, then that means they are stupid enough to pay 6$ for a cup of coffee. If you are a homosexual male, be sure to elaborate on the eye rolling and sigh really loud. The homosexual partner has an advantage on the customer because they will already be expecting this kind of attitude.

In order to better prepare you for this sort of “customer handling” we here at Starbucks offer these helpful tips:

Make sure the customer waits in line for a minimum of 5 minutes before receiving service- even if he/she is the only one in the café.

Anything over 8 minutes before the customer receives service is too long, the smooth jazz music will only relax him/her for so long, and they may leave with our money.

Be extremely apologetic with large dashes of sarcasm in the voice. Add different flavors of syrup or make the drink decaf if the customer talks back. You don’t deserve this kind of treatment!

Call out drink name very loudly, even if they are sitting at the table next to the bar. Walk away before they can ask you for a straw/extra syrup/napkins.

Correct the customer if they call a drink by the wrong name, even if it is only off by one word.

Be sure they feel inferior by the end of the conversation. For example:

Customer: Hi. Can I please have a Mocha Cappuccino?

Barista Bob: Did you want a Mocha FRAPPUCINO or Cappuccino?

Customer: Uh, how ‘bout a hot one?

Barista Bob: [with large notes of superior intelligence in the voice]: Okay, you DO know that a hot one is half milk and half foam right? There’s no whip cream on it and I’ll have to charge you for the flavor [scoff and roll eyes]. EVERYONE knows that.

Customer: Uh, I uh…Uhm..I guess I’ll just take the cold one then with extra whip cream.

Barista Bob: We’re out of Mocha. I’ll make you a caramel one.

Barista Bob handled this like a dream. The customer walks away, satisfied with their order but feels stupid for asking questions. They will not blame the partner, they will blame themselves for not knowing better when they step foot into a hip spot like Starbucks. Again, if you are a homosexual partner be sure to add extra eye rolling and a superficial comment under your breath like, “fat ass” or “retard”. If the customer hears this, they will not complain seeing as you are a homosexual and you cannot help when you choose to vent.

If you find it difficult to remember these important tips as a new partner, do not be discouraged. Always remember, if you don’t know, WE DON’T CARRY IT. If someone asks for an Indonesian coffee blend ground to a metal filter and there is NOTHING processing in your brain at the moment, simply reply, “I’m sorry we don’t carry that.” And walk away before and suspicion arises. The same can be applied to drinks. If someone asks for a Mocha Cappuccino and you do not have the time/energy/patience to explain to them what it is, simply say with confidence, “We don’t have that here.” or “That’s not a drink”.

We truly hope that this manual has helped you better understand how we handle business at Starbucks. Always remember, the customer doesn’t want your help; they want your sarcasm and unattainable knowledge.

Please review this section with your supervisor before moving on to “Columbian Drug Cartels and Starbucks: How Coffee and Cocaine go Hand in Hand”