“DUDE! That keggar was sick! I would’ve totally kicked that guy’s ass if i wasn’t so tanked!!” These are the classic words of a “bro”. You may have seen them before, huddling in groups, laughing at nonesense, making your trip to get some beer at your local AM-PM harder than trying to get a X-Box 360 on its release date. And no, I am not talking about “Brothers” like how black people use it. I’m talking about the ones with thier torn-up jeans and over-sized flip-flops. The ones with thier polo shirts and Tee’s with snazzy sayings like, “Ohio is for Lovers!” The ones that are always the center of attention at a party and seem to have it all. “I want it all!”, you say? Well have no fear, here is your firsthand guide of how to get the look, the babes, and the asshole reputation you’ve always dreamed of. By the time youre done reading this guide, you will have the power to transform yourself into a full-fledged Bro-fessional!
Now, a Bro is normally seen in its natural habitat of your local college. The kind of college doesn’t matter- University, Community College, or even a Tech school. So here comes rule numero uno.

1. Get enrolled in any college. Don’t worry about classes or grades, Bros aren’t really there for school anyways. If you can’t get enrolled in your local college, just start hanging out on campus with your man-bag and skip down to the “Image” section.

Bros can also be found in such XTREME areas as: your local beach (surfing) , your local desert ( riding dirt bikes), your local mountain (snowboarding), or your local car wash, washing thier lifted truck (making up for a small penis).

If you do not find yourself in any of the above areas, or cannot perform these XTREME sports, just focus on your image and attitude, as explained below.

Your Image as a Bro

Your image is perhaps the most important aspect to Bro-dom. Be sure that you and your Bros dress accordingly to your XTREME sports life or your SICK college party life. Let’s start with the basics:

The Tee / Polo :

The polo shirt is a must for those days in class, checking out the babes that walk by or picking up chicks at the mall. Babes love dudes in polos. There’s just something about them that say, “Hey babe, I’m loaded. Let me take you out to a nice seafood dinner and never call you again.” Polos just SCREAM that you are a Bro-stin Howell the Third. Or, for you novices who don’t know, a Bro who is $REALLY$ loaded!

The Tee is your second skin. The Tee is perfect for everyday foosball fun or that Keggar that you’re totally amped to go to! Make sure your Tee has a saying on it that’s too clever to resist. Here are some examples:


You can even try mixing up the two and wear your polo under your Tee! Just make sure your sleeves are rolled, revealing your polo underneath and that your collar is popped. Remember, looking like a total fag is so in right now!

Now if you are an XTREME sports bro, just make sure you’ve got a sweet Tee with some cool-looking scribbles on it so babes think you’re deep! For you dirt-bikers, make sure you’ve got at least one Fox Racing Tee in all basic colors.

Below-the-Waist Apparel
Your below-the-waist apparel should consist of ripped, bleached, dirty jeans. The larger the rips and more bleached the jean is, the more expensive it looks! Can somebody say, “Bro-stin Howell the Third”?!

Be sure to stock up on your board shorts for summer. Bro’s especially like these because it allows for spontaneous XTREME fun wherever water is involved! Also, be sure you have over-sized flip-flop sandals that allow a 2 inch radius of protection around your entire foot.

Enforcing Your Image with SICK Accessories
Along with your unique choice of clothing comes your unique choices of accessories! While so far you may know how to look like a Bro, you also need to know what a Bro needs at his side to maintain his Bro-gestoren.

The Energy Drink
Alright, dude, let me let you in on a little secret. Bro’s maintain thier high energy level from consuming energy drinks, staring at themselves in the mirror, and playing Madden football against fellow Bro’s on the X-Box. While all three can be done continuously throughout the day, the energy drink is something a Bro can keep on his side at all times. The most popular choices are:

Red Bull: You can drink Red Bull hours before a party and say stuff like, “Dude, [insert name here]’s party is going to be so SICK man! This is my fourth Red Bull and it’s only noon! IM SO AMPED!”

Crunk Juice: Okay, Crunk Juice is for the Bro who thinks that actin’ “gangsta” is rad and that screaming “WHAT?!” “YEEAHHH” and “OKKKAYYY” is still the funniest shit ever. .

Mountain Dew’s AMP: For the XTREME Bro in you, AMP is probably the best choice. Not only do you live for XTREME sports and Do the Dew daily, now you can enjoy it in energy drink form and say stuff like, “Dude, it tastes just like candy and goes great with vodka! Its like Pitch Black Mountain Dew but more XTREME!”

The RAZR

The cell phone is a must these days, but as a Bro, we must ask ourselves: Which cell phone will get me the most ass?
While this question may sound silly, just think about it. What better way to arract babes than with your entertaining cell phone? Let’s explore the possibilities:

The RAZR: Dude, nothing screams “I’m such a Bro” and “I’m so comfortable with myself” like the hot pink RAZR phone. Can’t handle the heat? Make sure you pick up a black one. Gray/silver is for pussies.

The Ringtones: The ringtone offers everyone within listening range to hear your musical style. Just remember to put your ringtone volume up so loud that people won’t be able to hear the song or words. Taking Back Sunday? Hawthorne Heights? I don’t know which one it is, but it sounds sick!!!

The Pictures: Inside the phone should be interesting bro-like pictures which can include: some chicks boobs ( closeup shot only), poop in a toilet, yours/someone’s vicious war wound from XTREME sports, someone who passed out and got drawn on, and someone famous that you met.

The Murse
That’s short for the man purse. It looks like a briefcase with a strap for easy sauntering through campus. AKA the “Messenger Bag”, the Murse is known for its ability to catch the attention of other Bro’s through its silent signaling which says “Look at me! I’ve got too much fuckin’ Brogestroen for a backpack, I gotta downplay it with a Murse! Let’s fuckin’ get tanked!”

Perfecting your Attitude/How you Treat Others

Being a Bro means alot of people don’t expect much out of you. You wouldn’t want to let them down, would you? Here is how you should act when you are sober and drunk, which is essentially the yin and yang of a Bro’s life.

When Sober
This isn’t realy going to happen that much so it’s not something you need to worry about. If you do happen to be sober and don’t know how to act, don’t panic, just follow these simple rules.
1. Wear sunglasses, drink some of God’s Sweet Life-Saving Nectar (energy drink) and announce how totally hung over you are and how that babe in the Hollister polo said you were the best lay of her life(even though you really only got to 2nd Base, but who cares?! You’ve got so much cred the babes will fur sure play along!).
2. Quote movie lines to your friends all day. This will distract people from knowing that you can’t come up with anything better to say. It also makes you look funny because all of your friends laugh even when hearing the same line for the 20th time that day. Popular choices to qoute from are: Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, Wedding Crashers, Zoolander, Old School & Pulp Fiction.
3. Be an Asshole. Then when confronted about your assholeness blame it on your hangover or the shitty waves/powder/dirt/the bugs on your lifted truck’s windshield/ your mom cutting down on your funds for the week.

When Drunk
This is the Bro at his finest! Hoist that fellow Bro up for a Keg Stand! Suckle at the teet that is the beer bong! Dominate the Beer Pong match! Run around naked for a brief moment! Sing Pennywise’s “Bro Hymn” with all your other Bro’s! Drunk fight your friends! Start a fight with any dick that looks at you for longer than 5 seconds with the opening phrase, “What the fuck are you looking at, Champ?!”Lose the fight and then tell everyone he pulled a cheap shot! Pop your collar! Pay to see two chicks make out! Use a Sharpie and draw all over all the people who pass out! Make fun of everyone who’s not you! Yell phrases like, “I’m so fuckin’ tanked, Bro!” and “It’s Milla Time!” Eat some late night Del Taco! Pass out with your best Bro-ski in the bed next to you!


All in all, a Bro is born, not created. But with this handy guide you will be able to fool everyone into thinking you are a BRO. One who is in tune with all things Brotastic, Bronderful and God’s gift to the fuckin’ planet Earth. Being a Bro, you should never ever forget that. Just rememer to rinse, lather, and repeat with the schooling you’ve been given here today, and soon you too will party all night, sleep all day, and mooch off your parents.