You notice the curving bottoms that are just plain swell. You may also notice the nicely formed and dandy bosoms. What are these beautiful, amazing things? These things make up the best part of the animal known as Women. This How-to-Guide has been written to prepare you (the man) for the collection and proper treatment of a woman (your property, or soon to be property). This document will guide you through the proper way a female should be handled in all situations.

Identifying a woman and wooing the beast.

Let’s say your out at the local record store or malt shop and you see what you might think to be a “woman!” Do not get nervous. As you may have already noticed, women appear to be outwardly complex and well put together individuals; however this is never the case. Although their hair may always appear perfect, and their pant suit nice and neatly ironed, it is imperative to remember their appearance can be deceiving, if not completely false. Women are stunningly simple creatures. Much like a house cat, their intelligence is nothing more than amusing, so never attempt to engage them in conversations involving politics, science, or simple arithmetic, which will only confuse them and make them fall ill. This could result in an unnecessary trip to the doctor.

Most of these “women” travel in packs with other women. While it is not immediately known why, scientists believe that traveling in packs increases the intelligence, and physical strength of the group. Most scientists believe that a large pack of 5-10 women can increase the intelligence level to that of a man. To combat this, a man must woo the beast away from the group. Wooing a “woman” is done quite easily. To accomplish a successful “woo” one must attract one of these animals with objects… which of course is the only thing these animals understand. While most of these creatures are attracted to shiny and furry things, strangely enough green colored paper works the best at getting their attention. Once wooed away from a pack, it does not take much for them to become totally involved with you. The involvement will soon turn into what they call, “love.” However, like a small retarded child, they confuse love with needs, and as long as you address these simple creature’s needs (green paper and listening skills), they will soon fall into your arms and totally be willing to become your property.

Getting Engaged

So she “loves” you and you really like your possible new property. So you want to make it official. So you want a piece a paper that says you own her. Well, this is called marriage, and before you can get married you must get engaged. Getting engaged can be tricky; women feel the moment of engagement needs to be romantic. While most scientists have yet to figure out what romantic is, many believe dimming the lights, lighting candles and a fire will set the mood to the correct tone. Scientists believe the dark setting and fire puts the simple woman creature at ease and vulnerable to your requests. Once in this mood, ask her to be your property. Again, you must follow the tradition and ask like this: “__insert simple woman creature’s name__ will you marry me?” This must be done on bended knee, putting her above you, to fool her into believing you are going to be dedicated to her, but your ulterior motives are of course to acquire a new piece of sexual property.

So she has said yes to your request, it is now necessary to ask her father and mother (his old property) to take over ownership of his young property (daughter) in holy matrimony. Again, this situation can be tricky. Much like an old restored car, a father feels the need to protect his property from potential owners that could damage his property. So you must fool him into thinking that you will “love” and “cherish” his daughter. Once you have convinced the father to approve of the engagement, the next step is marriage. Good luck!

Marriage

After the ceremonial wedding which is simply a business transaction between her father and yourself, your new property/slave will move into your home. The things expected of you are simple. You make all the decisions, and make all the money, everything else is done by her. Some things expected of her:

You and your common house wife may decide to have children. It is important to remember never to hit, slap, trip, or damage your wife in anyway while she is pregnant. A child is a precious thing, and if you were to beat on your property while she was pregnant, you child may be born deformed… or worse be born a woman. Children, specifically boys, have a great value to society as they will grow into men.

Fighting

It is important to remember that as a man–you are just like America; you must remain gentle and only attack when provoked. A man can be provoked anywhere, like for example when; someone cuts you off on the highway, someone shoves you, or when your mom use to dress you in a dress, red pumps and tiara, and make you pose for her. Remember a man does not attack anyone or anything unless it is absolutely necessary. Engaging in fisticuffs with your wife can be a very dangerous and fun situation; this section will provide some insights on how to protect yourself and your property when the occasion arises.

Lets start out with a possible situation: Lets say your wife gets a bit out of hand and says something to you at breakfast like, “you never listen to me.” What do you? You slap the cereal right out of her mouth, before she even has time to blink. While it may sound cruel, it is necessary to break her of bad habits, much like a dog when they poop on the rug, you must hit them to make them learn. Remember, you are a man and you are strong, but remember, the simple woman creature is weak, and if you hit one of them too hard they may die.

OK, champ, lets test your knowledge, here is another situation: As she’s topping the staircase while picking up your socks that you so haplessly threw on the stairs, she sighs and complains, “What a pig.”

Do you?

A. Punch her in the stomach.
B. Push her down the stairs.
C. Throw her over the banister.
D. None of these.
E. Any of these.

If you answered D, None of these, you are correct. Why, you ask? The correct answer is to choke her. You may be thinking, why choke her? Wouldn’t a better situation for choking her be when she tries to eat your sandwich out of hunger or something? The simple answer is NO. Women have a thing called intuition. Many scientists believe they have this because they are simple. She will predict that you will push her down the stairs and she will firmly plant her footing as to not fall down the stairs. You must throw her off (not literally) and do a surprise choking. Be sure to finish off the choking sessions with an, “Why do you make me hurt you.”

You may be thinking, gee whiz, that sounds kind of cruel… Yes, it is cruel, but violence is always the answer.

One other thing about fighting with your beast, sometimes her friends may try to get involved. They say they are looking out for her best interest, and start putting thoughts into her head, but don’t be fooled or intimidated, cut them down, before they cut you down.

For example: You come home one day, and your dinner is not on the table, and IT is in the living room entertaining one of her friends. You calmly walk over to your property and ask where your dinner is? She quips with a, “I didn’t make you dinner tonight, is that OK?” You then proceed to throw her out of her chair by her hair and slap her around a bit. Then, her friend then has the nerve to say, “Please stop!” What do you do? You pause the beating and stare directly at her friend, then walk over to the phone or vase and throw it against the wall. Why? Breaking things in the presence of women makes them freeze in their tracks, much like math; it is a natural reaction to danger. Once frozen, feel free to throw a book or chair at her friend, and tell her to leave your house immediately. Problem solved! Now walk over to your wife pick her up and tell her lovingly, “I did it because I love you, and I was so hungry.”

Final Thought

Remember, women are very simple. Objectify.